Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
*Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Dogs and cats are better than kids...they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college - and if they get pregnant, you can sell the child.
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary
6:00am - At last! I Go Pee! My favorite thing!
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
6:00 pm - They're home! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Diary
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormenters by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...
A Cat died and went to Heaven.
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the Golden Gate and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.
"God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven at the same time. God met the mice at the Gates of Heaven with the same offer that he made the cat. The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives, from cats, dogs and even people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller skates, we would never have to run again."
God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is every thing OK? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh it is wonderful. I have never been so happy in my life. My pillow is so fluffy and those little meals on wheels you have been sending are delicious!"
Wrapping presents with a cat
Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
1. Go to closet and collect bag in which present is contained, and shut door.
2. Open door and remove cat from closet.
3. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
4. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
5. Go to drawer, and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc. . .
6. Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.
7. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit and collect string.
8. Remove present from bag.
9. Remove cat from bag.
10. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
11. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
12. Try and smooth out paper, realize cat is underneath and remove cat.
13. Cut the paper to size, keeping the cutting line straight.
14. Throw away first sheet as cat chased the scissors, and tore the paper.
15. Cut second sheet of paper to size - by putting cat in the bag the present came in.
16. Place present on paper.
17. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present. Wonder why edges don't reach. Realize cat is between present and paper. Remove cat.
18. Place object on paper, to hold in place while tearing transparent sticky tape.
19. Spend 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.
20. Seal paper with sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.
21. Look for roll of ribbon. Chase cat down hall in order to retrieve ribbon.
22. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.
23. Re-roll ribbon and remove paper, which is now torn due to cat's enthusiastic ribbon chase.
24. Repeat steps 13-20 until you reach last sheet of paper.
25. Decide to skip steps 13-17 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that is the right size for sheet of paper.
26. Put present in box, and tie down with string.
27. Remove string, open box and remove cat.
28. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for locked room.
29. Once inside lockable room, lock door and start to relay out paper and materials.
30. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close and relock.
31. Repeat previous step as often as is necessary (until you can hear cat from outside door)
32. Lay out last sheet of paper. (This will be difficult in the small area of the toilet, but do your best)
33. Discover cat has already torn paper. Unlock door go out and hunt through various cupboards, looking for sheet of last year's paper.
Remember that you haven't got any left because cat helped with this last year as well.
34. Return to lockable room, lock door, and sit on toilet and try to make torn sheet of paper look presentable.
35. Seal box, wrap with paper and repair by very carefully sealing with sticky tape. Tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst areas.
36. Label. Sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulate yourself on completing a difficult job.
37. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.
38. Spend 15 minutes looking for cat until coming to obvious conclusion.
39. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.
40. Go to store and buy a gift bag.
Have A Very Merry Christmas!
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Is the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answers, "Why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put him on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"